00:01 - Dr. Angela J. Buckley (Host)
Are you an aspiring leader who knows you have more to offer but you can't seem to get ahead? Do you frequently feel overwhelmed and under-supported? Listen to the Overcome to Become podcast as we talk about actionable tasks and mindsets that you can apply to begin leading yourself. Hi, I'm Dr Angela Buckley, your host and author of the Strength in Nature Leadership Series and Likeable Leadership Reflection Journals. I'm a mother, consultant, triathlete and coach In Overcome to Become. I share with you the science-backed and experienced proven lessons I've learned in my own leadership journey to beat burnout. Hello, welcome back to Overcome to Become, the podcast dedicated to helping you thrive both personally and professionally. I'm Dr Angela Buckley, and today we're focusing on a crucial step in personal and organizational development communicating boundaries. In the last couple episodes, we've talked about identifying boundaries, aligning your boundaries to your values, preparing for the potential for backlash and building a support team, and now we're ready. It's time to convey these boundaries effectively. How should we approach these conversations and what are the best practices for ensuring a smooth transition?
01:23
Timing and context are key when it comes to discussing boundaries, and here's a few things to consider Assess the environment. Choose a setting that feels safe and conducive to open dialogue, avoiding environments with potential distractions or stressors. Research suggests that people are more receptive in a calm, neutral setting. What does that look like? Perhaps that is not in a home setting. If you are talking to an intimate partner, Maybe if you are running a household together and you have children, you want to choose a time to have that conversation when the children are in bed. It's a quiet time and you can have an in-depth conversation and you can start with how these are situations are impacting you. So creating a calm environment is very helpful and supportive of what you need in order to be successful in this kind of conversation.
02:25
Timing matters as well. Look for a time when both you and the other party are relaxed and they have the bandwidth for a meaningful conversation. This will minimize the risk of defensive reactions and miscommunications. So what you're looking for, then, is one have you put enough time on a calendar? At work, having a conversation with your boss generally means putting time on the calendar, and you can do that right Like 30 minutes an hour, depending on the depth of conversation that you need to have.
03:01
It's a little more awkward sometimes when you're going to have this type of a conversation with a partner. You are in the day-to-day you're talking about things and generally, especially if you're living together, you don't time block nearly as much. So if you are in the custom of being a people pleaser and meeting everybody else's schedule, even setting a time to have this discussion can be something that might be new and even slightly intimidating to you. So I want to encourage you to understand that if you're having any of these types of emotions where you're feeling uncomfortable with putting time on a calendar, I want to let you know that that is okay. It is normal to have a little bit of fear when you are approaching change, but what makes us courageous is when we take action in the face of fear. So I want to encourage you right now, as you are talking and preparing to set these boundaries and have these conversations with the people that are around you, tap into the feeling of courage, acknowledging that courage includes a bit of fear, because you don't know what lies on the other side of that conversation. And so being courageous and taking that action and we're going to try to make that as calm as possible by creating that calm setting, assessing that environment and picking a time that matters and that fits into that organization or into you, your practice and, yes, the organization as well. So, right time and moment. That's what we really want to focus on first. The next thing we really want to talk about framing the conversation. Okay, so you guys are together now, right, and you're face to face and you want to introduce the topic in a safe manner so that the person isn't feeling attacked or charged, and how you frame this conversation can significantly influence its outcome. So what we want to do when we're framing a conversation that might be uncomfortable for both parties or something new for both parties, we want to start by being direct but compassionate.
05:34
Use I statements to express your needs without assigning blame. For example, I need time to recharge in the evenings, so I won't be available for calls after 7 pm. This is a great statement that establishes boundaries, especially if you have bosses or work shifts that occur in a 24-7 kind of organization. Understanding your limits and your safety responses in order to be prepared for the next day needs to have some sort of a conversation, right, and you start there by saying why you need this. Most jobs are will honor that and should honor that. There are some positions that require some sort of calling in on the late hours and then those activities should be clearly established. When it is appropriate to call home for help and I have worked in organizations I have gotten the 2 am phone call we need you, we need support and you know what you respond to those. But that shouldn't be happening every day and it shouldn't be happening after you've trained your team in appropriate responses. But make sure that you can be compassionate about explaining okay, this is too frequent and we need to establish these boundaries. So be direct and be compassionate. That's the first part of the conversation.
07:16
And then also, while we're at it, highlight the purpose of this meeting. Highlight the purpose of the boundary, Emphasize that the boundaries are to help maintain healthy relationships and personal well-being. This will help the organization because when you are fully charged and fully energized, you can bring your best self to work associated with innovation, you will be safer, you will be more focused and, ultimately, more productive. So being transparent about your motives can foster understanding and support from others. While I'm talking about boundaries because there's so much, in particular for the working woman, that surrounds sleep and the sleep deficit it's so important to understand how sleep can help regulate your hormones. This impacts the health of your body, but also emotional regulation. So when you talk about setting boundaries on work limits and fatigue, you're also highlighting the importance of how you can bring your best self emotionally, physically and productively into the workplace. So those are just some things to consider as you highlight the purpose.
08:38
Why are we having these conversations? Shouldn't everybody already know that calling me after 7pm at home on a work night is unacceptable? What happens if you just decide to just start enforcing boundaries without any prior communication? That immediate enforcement consequence, that abrupt change, can lead to confusion or conflict. While it is sometimes necessary, it's generally more effective to discuss changes proactively and framing and naming these conversations and the needs and the desired outcome of these boundaries. Sometimes, again, are we having these conversations at home or are we having these conversations at home or are we having these conversations at work? Is this a friend or an intimate partner? The gamut is broad and long.
09:34
Recently I had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about setting boundaries in our religious organizations because we found that we were saying yes all the time, to the point of exhaustion. And at that level of exhaustion you feel a little bit bitter, which is not how you want to walk into your religious organization. You're saying yes because you want to give back. So understanding where that relationship sits and understanding how formal that conversation needs to be can be very important to the successful outcome. So I encourage you to tell your approach to the relationship and the context. Casual settings might work for minor personal boundaries, while professional boundaries often require formal discussions, possibly even dedicated meetings. Honestly, I encourage you to put that time on the calendar. In today's busy workplace, time on the calendar means everything and people value time, which means that if it's on the calendar, they will value the conversation that you're having.
10:47
We also want to work on smoothing the transitions. Gradually implementing these changes might be a possibility, depending on what you're working on, Allowing others the time to adapt. You want to reinforce those new boundaries with gentle reminders and consistency. Consistency is key to making sure that your boundaries become heard, felt and respected. I want to address handling some of these changes, these challenges, and how do we maintain some sort of flexibility, Because even with careful planning, challenges can arise. Be prepared for that pushback. We talked about that last week and that's why we talked about creating a team that's going to support you. Expect a little bit of backlash. Expect a little bit of backlash, Some might resist or test your boundaries. Respond with calm and reaffirm your stance. Be consistent, but also remain open to dialogue for necessary adjustments, especially if you have children. Those of us who have children know that every time we figure it out, we get about a three month period and then they change again. So understand that some of these things will have to be explained in a different way, with a different impact, perhaps adjusted somewhat. So be prepared for that, and so from that, I encourage you to remain flexible.
12:15
Life is dynamic and so are our relationships. Be willing to adjust your boundaries as the situations and the relationships evolve, ensuring that they continue to serve your overarching goals. I heard a great phrase last week from the John Maxwell group Make sure that your situation never becomes bigger than the relationship. What does that mean? That means that if you are in a healthy relationship and you have boundaries and something arises as a result of that, if you are committed to the relationship, then Understand how you can navigate the relationships and the boundaries in order to maintain that. Again, we're talking about this in a healthy situation, right? So think about that as you go through some of these changes. So let's kind of recap right Communicating boundaries doesn't need to be daunting. It doesn't need to be a fearful activity, but we do need to approach it with courage. By choosing the right time and setting clearly, framing your message and remaining flexible, you can foster understanding and respect. As you embark on this journey, remember boundaries are not just barriers. They are bridges to healthier, more resilient relationships.
13:43
Thank you for joining me on this episode of Overcome to Become. If you found these tips useful, please share this episode with someone who might benefit. Until next time, keep overcoming and becoming your best self. You've just listened to another episode of Overcome to Become. Thank you for joining me, Angela Buckley, your host, as we explored actions and mindsets to overcome the overwhelm and beat burnout. Did you know that when you learn to lead yourself, you can effectively learn to lead others? You can apply these skills in your home, at work and in the community. If you'd like to learn more, join us in the Strength in Nature Learning Academy. We are currently featuring the Overcome the Overwhelm course with a 20% off coupon code OTB2024. That's valid until the end of 2024. You can join me in my community at wwwstrengthinnaturecom and on Instagram at creativelyefficient. Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
