00:01 - Dr. Angela J. Buckley (Host)
Are you an aspiring leader who knows you have more to offer but you can't seem to get ahead? Do you frequently feel overwhelmed and under-supported? Listen to the Overcome to Become podcast as we talk about actionable tasks and mindsets that you can apply to begin leading yourself. Hi, I'm Dr Angela Buckley, your host and author of the Strength in Nature Leadership Series and Likeable Leadership Reflection Journals. I'm a mother, consultant, triathlete and coach In Overcome to Become. I share with you the science-backed and experienced proven lessons I've learned in my own leadership journey to beat burnout.
00:38
Hello, welcome to another episode of Overcome to Become, where we focus on personal empowerment and growth. I'm Dr Angela Buckley, and today we're delving into a challenging but vital aspect of boundary setting owning your response when others fail to appreciate the new boundaries that you've communicated. In short, owning your response instead of reacting. We want to respond and not react. We're going to explore how to acknowledge your emotions and control your reactions to ensure a thoughtful, measured response. So in the past season, we've really talked about setting boundaries how to set boundaries, how to communicate those boundaries, how to prepare for when those boundaries are not being honored or understood, and how we want to navigate all of these difficult waters. Today, we're going to talk about how we want to respond when the boundaries that we've communicated and practiced with the people around us have not been honored and when they haven't been respected, it's natural to experience this emotional reaction. The key here is to acknowledge these feelings without letting them dictate your responses. And so what are we talking about? First of all, we want to name and reframe right. We want to identify what these emotions are. How are we feeling right now when we recognize that a boundary that we have asked for repeatedly has not been honored again? Research indicates that recognizing your emotions can prevent them from unconsciously shaping your behavior. Utilize these techniques, like deep breathing and mindfulness, to gain clarity on what you're feeling. Delve deep.
02:35
When I was little, my parents always used to say count to 10. And I was supposed to count to 10 before I said something. The problem is and I was supposed to count to 10 before I said something. The problem is, I was never given the tools to count to 10 and what to do between 1 and 10. So I love to tell this story right.
02:55
When you say press pause, the point of pressing pause is that you're working through those emotions, but I wasn't. I just counted to 10. They said count to 10 before you say something. So I did. Brother, who I thought was an idiot at the moment. I was like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. I still thought my brother was an idiot, like I didn't have the tools at the moment to understand that, while counting to 10 wasn't just the point, counting to 10 and re-evaluating how I was feeling and what I wanted to have as an outcome of this exchange. I didn't know how to do that. So let's talk about understanding, not just counting to 10 and pressing pause.
03:46
But what is the outcome that you're trying to achieve? I don't want this to be some toxic positivity of just hey, name and reframe and there's always an opportunity but I want to be able to understand these emotions, how I can put these emotions aside for a second and work towards the outcome that I desire. So, again, we want to normalize this experience, Understand that these feelings of frustration, disappointment, they're normal when boundaries are ignored or not respected. So be kind to yourself and recognize these emotions as part of the setting and the reinforcing of your boundaries. We're going to count to 10. Fine, we've now recognized what these emotions are and we're going to talk about what we want to have happen next. So, during this, pause and reflect. Second, when your boundaries are being disrespected, think about where you want to go next. How would you like the outcome of the conversation to go? Perhaps we approach it with a little bit of curiosity. After I have expressed my need for not calling me after 9 pm at night, or whatever your boundary is, why did you think that it was okay in this instance to not respect my boundary? Try working through with a sense of curiosity of what that person was thinking. So that's one way of trying to acknowledge and really try to get to where you're trying to go with the relationship and with the boundary During this time period, you also want to sort of name and reframe right with the relationship and with the boundary During this time period, you also want to sort of name and reframe right.
05:41
So shift your mindset from that reactive to an analytical and think of why aren't they respecting my boundaries? And ask how can I best communicate the importance of this boundary? What are the values associated with this boundary for me so that we can move forward? We talked about flexibility in the past and so sometimes it is critical. Maybe there is an emergency that truly needs to be acknowledged and worked through at that moment, but let's just talk about how that is and how that feels. So asking those questions can really help you delve into what the boundary is, what your emotions are and what the other person was thinking.
06:27
During this time period, you've acknowledged your emotions, you've calmed yourself and now it's time to really formulate a measured response. Right? This is the time to start using your I statements to express the situation, how it makes you feel and what needs to happen as you move forward in the relationship and honoring the boundary. This reduces the defensiveness on the other person's behalf and promote some understanding. So really talking about the I statements can help, but then also that clarification and the curiosity questions that we've already been asking help really establish a healthy relationship. And then we're going to move into trying to figure out solutions, approach the solution collaboratively, frame your response in a way that invites dialogue and joint problem solving, reinforcing that mutual respect, right? So when's a time in your life where this has worked? And also go through a time, as you reflect Once, a time in your life where these techniques did not work. How do you identify a healthy relationship where we just need to gain some firm footing, or an unhealthy relationship where that's truly no longer going to be the person that needs to be in your life at that moment, once we've established where we want to go with our boundaries, once we've approached with a sense of curiosity, let's look at this again as an opportunity for growth and resilience building for ourselves. Let's reflect on those outcomes After the interaction, assess what went well and what can be improved.
08:20
I like to do this in a writing exercise or frankly. That's why we have friends and colleagues, coaches, therapists. It's an opportunity for you to reflect on the reaction and talk about that. And what can you learn from this instance. This reflection will help you refine your approach for future situations. As you continually set boundaries, as you talk to the people around you, as you understand who belongs in your life and out of your life, you are going to make progress. Acknowledge these small wins in handling the situations more effectively. This will enhance your confidence and build your resilience over time. Owning your response in the face of boundary challenges is a powerful step towards maintaining personal and relational integrity. By recognizing your emotions and crafting thoughtful responses, you reinforce the respect and communication vital for healthy interactions.
09:23
Thank you for joining me on this episode of Overcome to Become. If you found our discussion helpful, please consider sharing it with others who might benefit from these insights. Until next time, remember to respond with thoughtfulness and grace as you continue to overcome and become. You've just listened to another episode of Overcome to Become. Thank you for joining me, angela Buckley, your host, as we explored actions and mindsets to overcome the overwhelm and beat burnout. Did you know that when you learn to lead yourself, you can effectively learn to lead others? You can apply these skills in your home, at work and in the community. If you'd like to learn more, join us in the Strength in Nature Learning Academy. We are currently featuring the Overcome the Overwhelm course with a 20% off coupon code OTB2024. That's valid until the end of 2024. You can join me in my community at wwwstrengthennaturecom and on Instagram at creativelyefficient. Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
