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0:00:01 - Speaker 1
You've just concluded an episode of Overcome to Become, a leadership podcast focusing on leading yourself first. Thanks for listening. I'm Dr Angela Buckley, with Creatively Efficient, author of the Likeable Leadership series. To learn more about how to grow in gratitude and leadership, please sign up for my newsletter at wwwstrengthinnaturecom. That's wwwstrengthinnaturecom. That's wwwstrengthinnaturecom.
Hello, welcome back to the third episode of season six in the podcast Overcome to Become with Dr Angela J Buckley. I'm your host, and today we are here to talk about the emotional gate. This season, we are exploring how to set boundaries that work in everyday life. What does this mean? It means boundaries that send clear messages and let people and information in and out at the appropriate time, and today we are talking about the emotional gate. The emotional gate is a crucial component of our personal boundaries. It's the filter through which we process and express our emotions, and it determines how we interact emotionally with the world around us. Let's dive into what this means and how we can effectively manage our emotional gait. First, let's understand what the emotional gait is. Imagine your emotional world as a beautiful garden. The emotional gait is world as a beautiful garden. The emotional gate is the entrance to this garden. It's not a solid wall that blocks everything out, but rather a gate that can open and close, allowing certain emotions in and others out. Why is this important? Well, having a well-functioning emotional gate can help us maintain emotional balance. It allows us to experience and express emotions in a healthy way, without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down completely. So how do we manage our emotional gates effectively? Let's break it down into three key areas.
Awareness One the first step is becoming aware of your emotions. This means regularly checking in with yourself and identifying what you're feeling. Are you happy, sad, angry, anxious? Practice naming your emotions without judgment. The awareness is like having a clear view of what's approaching your emotional gate. And secondly, regulation Once you're aware of your emotions, the next step is learning to regulate them. This doesn't mean suppressing your feelings, but rather managing their intensity and expression. It's about deciding when to open or close your emotional gate. For example, it's okay to feel angry, but you can choose how to express your anger constructively. And thirdly, expression the final piece is expressing your emotions appropriately. This is where you decide what to let through your emotional gate and how. It's about communicating your feelings clearly and respectfully, whether that's through words, actions or even creative outlets.
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I travel internationally for work frequently and the school district had a very important event scheduled. It was kind of the highlight of the primary school's programs for that district and with about two weeks of notice they changed the date. My son was really looking forward to this event. He likes to perform, he's performed, he's sung in choirs and for them to change this event date was significant because it impacted my international travel. I had already set the schedule based on the dates they gave me at the beginning of the year and to change something so drastically within two weeks is really impactful on a young child's emotional state. He had been playing piano and learning songs and piano is just sort of a requirement. He's not a fantastic musician. However, the jazz piece that he was working on at the time was a favorite for him and instead of telling me how upset he was, he sat down at the piano that evening and he played the saddest jazz tune. A little third grader could play jazz tune a little third grader could play, and I was so proud of him at that moment for being able to express himself emotionally through his music. He took a very happy song and he had the wherewithal to understand how to change a note here or there and change the meter and the tempo in a way that really broke a mama's heart. Understanding how to express himself at that age is important to me as a mother, but it's expression that matters for this point right, you don't always have to say everything in words. In this case, he was able to express himself creatively through the piano.
Now let's talk about some other practical strategies for managing your emotional gait. Practice mindfulness. Regular mindfulness exercises can help you become more aware of your emotions as they arise. This gives you the power to choose how to respond rather than react impulsively.
Two use the pause technique when you feel intense emotions bubbling up. Take a moment to pause before responding. This brief pause allows you to consider whether opening your emotional gate is appropriate in that moment. And, as a caveat to that, we understand from the neuroscience now that emotions, that intense emotion, truly only lasts about 90 seconds. After those 90 seconds, the question becomes are you choosing to remain in that emotion? So when you were little and your parents said count to 10 before you said anything, pause was right. But unfortunately, what we should have said is Pause to 90 seconds to allow the emotion to go by, and then take this moment to name what's going on and reframe it in order to decide what your outcome should look like. What are your next steps? This 90 seconds is the emotion, but now you have a few minutes to decide how you're going to express your emotion and what is the outcome that you desire as you take these actions. So using the pause technique, counting to 10 that maybe many of us were taught, is not quite sufficient. Give yourself time to acknowledge the emotion minimum 90 seconds and then decide what your actions are going to be to achieve the desired result.
Three develop an emotional vocabulary. The more nuanced your understanding of emotions, the better you can manage your emotional gait. Learn to differentiate between similar emotions like frustration and anger, or contentment and joy. And four set these emotional boundaries. It's okay to let people know when you're not in a space to take on their emotions. This part of managing your emotional gate knowing when to keep it closed to protect your own well-being is critical because we only have so much capacity. Understanding what our emotional capacity is in the moment is helping others interact with us and interact with themselves. Because we are saying this is my resource, this is my capacity, and today it's stretched, or today I have room for you. Being clear up front how that works is very helpful in setting the boundaries and maintaining that gate.
And fifthly, practice empathy. While it's important to manage your emotions, remember that others are doing the same. Cultivating empathy can help you navigate emotional interactions more smoothly. Listen, managing your emotional gait is not about building impenetrable walls. We're not building silos. It's about creating a healthy flow of emotional energy, knowing when to let the emotions in and when to let them out, and how to do so in a way that serves you and those around you.
So as we wrap up, I'd like to leave you with a reflection exercise. Think about a recent emotional action that you've had. Did you manage your emotional gait well in that situation? How did you manage your gait? Were you aware of your emotions? Did you regulate them effectively? How did you express them and consider how you might approach a similar situation in the future, armed with this understanding of your emotional gate? Remember, managing your emotional gate is a skill and, like any skill, it improves with practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn to navigate this aspect of your emotional boundaries.
Thank you for joining me today on Overcome to Become. In our next episode we'll be exploring another crucial boundary, so stay tuned. Until then, keep working on those boundaries and remember they're not walls, they're gates. Use them wisely to create meaningful connections while protecting your emotional well-being. This is Dr Angela Buckley signing off. Take care and I'll see you next week. You've just concluded an episode of Overcome to Become, a leadership podcast focusing on leading yourself first. Thanks for listening. I'm Dr Angela Buckley, with Creatively Efficient, author of the Likeable Leadership series. To learn more about how to grow in gratitude and leadership, please sign up for my newsletter at www. Strength in naturecom. That's www. Strength in naturecom.
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